Confliction and a revelation

So, the first two days of school have come and gone, and the tears have been flowing. But they are not for reasons you think. I have such a fantastic group of kids and for that I count my blessings. This has been weighing heavy on me since school started yesterday. Sometimes students come in with the big head, and I can already tell what kind of students they are going to be. A girl came in with an attitude; played the right way we might get along. It was still too early to tell. We are going through the syllabus, I see some students getting sleepy so I begin to call on random students to read from the syllabus. I call on this one girl, the one with the 'tude, and she looked at me quizzically. I thought she wasn't paying attention so I directed her to the appropriate bullet on the syllabus. She reads the sentence, and we move on. A few minutes later, she raises her hand and asks, "Can I talk to you outside?" I said, "Sure thing. Is it something that needs to be discussed at this moment?" She said, "No, it can wait." She is very participatory in class and outspoken. Maybe I was wrong about her; maybe we will get along.

The bell rings. She is walking out so I yell to her to come back. I asked her what she needed to speak to me about, and she said (looking down to the floor), "Will you not call on me to read in class?" I asked why and she said, "The other kids make fun of me because I can't say some of the words." So I asked if she stuttered and then went on to explain that I used to stutter as well. She said, "No, I have trouble reading." I said that I would talk to the literacy coach. My first impression was shock. For a tenth grade girl to have willingly admitted that was beyond my comprehension because most girls at that age are embarrassed just to be wearing a shirt from Wal-Mart. My second thought was that she was lying to me to get out of reading in class. I can't help that thought. After teaching the juniors and seniors last year, they lied to me left and right about everything. It's sad I can't trust my students.

I thought about that all last night, and I decided to talk to the literacy coach today. We checked her literacy and benchmark scores. She was reading on a 4th grade reading level and tested below basic in literacy on the benchmark. My heart dropped. The literacy coach goes on to tell me that she is one of the hardest workers and strives to do well. She has, in fact, improved throughout the years. She is still on a 4th grade reading level however. It's no wonder she gave me a funny look when I asked her to read. That was at 10:30 this morning. I thought about her ALL DAY LONG. Yes, there are many students that can't read well and that read on extremely low levels, but something about this girl's brutal honesty hit hard. I got home and just sobbed. This is a situation where I feel so helpless. I want to help this sweet girl, but I have no idea how. How am I to teach her Spanish when it's difficult for her to learn her native language? And think of the guts she has to come and talk to me about that. I cried for her today. I have cried to my neighbor about it, and I have talked to God about it. Prayer sends clarity, but sometimes it's not right away.

I think about her and wonder if her other classes are a safe haven for her. Students can be so cruel. I want to hug her and protect her and tell her, "Yes, you can do it!" And I will because that's all I know to do. I will create that safe place for her. I will worry about her and her success. It just hurts me because she works so hard. She asks for help and wants to learn. That's where I'm having the biggest issue. I'm so blessed, and I am thankful yet it has ruined my perception. I didn't have trouble in school. I had parents who read to me. I have such confliction inside of me, and I am torn up. Pray that I have clarity on how to help this willing girl, and pray that she and other students in her same predicament succeed. Even if success is just reading that one challenging sentence, pray that they have that success.

It's these moments in my career that I realize that this is what I am supposed to do forever. And I had the revelation today that I am meant to be in public school. Students like her keep me humble and allow me to remember everything I have. I can read. What a gift in itself. They have NO idea they help me in life. No idea. Remember to think about these precious souls, even the ones who drive us crazy, as you are reading your magazine or book tomorrow. Be thankful.